Mission Statement, Part 3

Azkadelia (mounted), Lim’Dul, and Little Rock enter the cave.  They meet a guard at the door, but Azkadelia convinces him that she’s here for the flame crystal ceremony, and he lets them pass.  Azkadelia ties up her horse.  On the other side of the cave, Optimus and Nyridius enter from their “shortcut.”  They, too, find a guard.  Rather than rely on their diplomacy skills, however, they take him out quietly without alerting the others.

Inside the main chamber, Windsor is leading a ritual for the flame crystal and the power that it will give him and the cultists. 

Optimus causes a slight interruption when he tosses a photon grenade at Windsor’s feet, blowing him across the room.  The cultists are immediately all over him, and he takes a severe beating from them.  Optimus’ allies rush in to assist him, and a proper battle erupts.  Azkadelia, Lim’Dul, Little Rock, and Nyridius make short work of the cultists while Optimus sprints forward to utilize his venus-fly-trap attack on Windsor, fatally wounding him.  Windsor, spilling his intestines, crawls helplessly on the floor.

The battle becomes much more challenging, however, when the cultists consume small pieces of the flame crystal.  Their bodies erupt in flame, giving them enhanced powers and stamina.  They teleport around the area, shooting pillars of flame from their hands and charring everyone with their flaming auras.  Facing the challenge, the party divvies up the load; Little Rock and Azkadelia whomp on one burning skeleton, Nyridius and Lim’Dul on another, and Optimus struggles with the last two cultists. 

The battle becomes a brutal slug fest, thanks to the burning skeletons’ high hit points.  Every member of the party drops to single digit hit points, takes a break with a second wind, and then takes another beating.  Optimus fends well at first, but stumbles when he has a critical failure on a marijuana-based attack.  The failure results in the attack becoming "self-directed," and Optimus gets high as a kite.  Lim'Dul also rolls a critical failure on a mind control attack, resulting in a sudden bout of narcolepsy.  Little Rock eventually pounds his skeleton into the dirt, which frees him to assist his allies.  Lim’Dul is felled by the last remaining enemy, but the rest of the party is able to gather their strength and defeat him.

While the party’s attention was on the skeletons, Windsor was using his dying breath to crawl over to the flame crystal.  As he reaches out to it, he is consumed by flames.  The party breathes a sigh of relief as they watch his funeral pyre, but they get nervous as it continues to grow, absent of any form of fuel.  A terrible form takes shape out of the fire; Windsor has harnessed the full power of the flame crystal. 

Clenching his burning fists, Windsor pounds the floor of the cavern.  The earth heaves, and the party is sent skyward.

Mission Statement, Part 2

The party agreed that they needed to head toward the crater right away; what they disagreed on was how to get there.  Nyridius and Optimus split off toward what they believed would be a shortcut, while Lim’Dul, Azkadelia, and Little Rock headed straight up the path.

The party of three approached the crater to find a strange scene.  They could hear voices in the crater, but they couldn’t see anyone.  After some brief searching, they found a laptop that was broadcasting a invisibility field around the area.  Unfortunately, their only techie (Optimus) was at parts unknown, and the three swatted at the contraption like perplexed chimpanzees.   This got the attention the cloaked individuals, who opened fire on the team.  Frustrated, Lim’Dul bashed the laptop to pieces with his stick.  When the invisibility field dropped, the team saw Optimus’ horse (which had been stolen by Windsor long ago).  They also saw one of the thug bears, and he had backup in the form of Furious George (a club-fisted ape) and Hypno-Toad (a frog with captivating eyes).

Without a lick of conversation, a battle erupted.  The Hypno-Toad mesmerized Azkadelia, but was quickly killed by Lim’Dul.  This freed up Lim’Dul and Azkadelia to hop down into the crater’s pit and engage the thug bear.  Even though Azkadelia completely biffed her jump and tried to stick an 18-foot fall on her face, the two were able to keep the bear in check.  This didn’t shut the bear up, though; he continuously taunted the group with shouts of “AW HEELLLL NO!  You think you bad? Lemme show you how we do it out in THA WOODS!”  The tide turned with a clever combination of mutations by Azkadelia; she clouded the bear’s mind to grant her some peace, and mentally manipulated the horse into trampling the bear. 

Meanwhile, on the ledge of the pit, Little Rock battled with Furious George.  The angry monkey dished out immense damage with his simian pounding, and Little Rock took the worst beating of his life.  

After maneuvering around Little Rock, Furious George kicked him off the edge of the pit, resulting in a painful 18-foot drop.  Furious George looked over the ledge, victorious.  However, he overreached when he went for a brutal coup de grâce: an 18-foot elbow drop with his spiked mitts.  The move would have definitely killed Little Rock, but Furious George’s attempt was a critical failure - he overshot the jump and landed face-first in the ground.

Knowing that the bear had valuable information, Azkadelia used her interaction skills to grind the fight to a halt.  She convinced the bear to talk instead of fight to the death, and he shared that he received the horse from Windsor in a trade for a large red crystal.  The thug bear got hostile when the party asked for the horse back, but Azkadelia convinced him to trade it for an assortment of junk.  Finally, they asked about Windsor’s whereabouts, and the bear shared what he knew, saying, “He took the crystal into that cave in the center of the crater.  He said he and his men would undergo some transformation and become ‘more powerful than god.’  He said he wanted to do this in this hole that some idiot blew in the earth’s crust.” 

“Don’t you hate it when that happens?” quipped Lim’Dul.  The thug bear and Furious George expressed their respect for the team after such a good toe-to-toe sparring, and left.  Azkadelia decided that the horse belonged to her, not Optimus, and named it “Gumdrop Princess.”  Furthermore, she fashioned some battle armor for it out of her rowboat and Optimus’ inertial armor.  Sufficiently prepared, the proud team of Lim’Dul, Little Rock, Azkadelia, and Gumdrop Princess marched into Windsor’s cavern.

Mission Statement, Part 1

With pride, the men explain to Azkadelia how they beat Youric’s wife into submission.  “Whatever,” she says.   They walk out of the cave, embracing the daylight as long-lost friend.  They realize that, yes, they were in the ice cave marked on their map, and that the underground passage took them farther than they thought.  While still at the mouth of the cave, they are approached by a lone robot.  “The Collective wishes to express the human emotion of remorse for trying to kill you,” it says.  “However, with most of our agents repairing and rebuilding our facility, we find ourselves in need of an agent in the field.  Optimus, you once held this role for us.  Will you resume employment under us?  Your squishies may accompany you on your next mission.”  After very little thought, Optimus accepts on behalf of the group.  The robot then goes on to explain that the danger represented by the flame cultists cannot be ignored, and asks the party to intercept an upcoming hand-off of flame crystals that will take place at the crater (Lim’Dul’s old town).  They accept the mission, but not before Azkadelia uses her interaction skills to gain some up-front payment in the form of omega tech.

As they get ready to head out, however, they notice a lich on the horizon.  This undead general, completely sentient and self-aware, summons a small army of skeletons and zombies.  

The party considers hiding behind some giant slabs of ice that litter the area, but they are undone by a wave of genetic mutations that double Nyridius in size.  Thinking quickly, Nyridius utilizes a transformative face mask and disguises himself as another lich.  Nothing out of the ordinary… except that he’s 15 feet tall and massive.  Nyridius attempts to make conversation with the lich, asking what he’s looking for in the ice cave.  “Power.” Responds the lich.  “Nope, we just looked.  No power there,” he responds.  Nyridius realizes the conversation isn’t going well, and initiates combat.  In the ensuing melee, the skeletons throw their own ribs at the party in lieu of an actual ranged attack.  The lich, however, is the real threat; he throws a flashbang that temporarily blinds Little Rock, Lim’Dul, and Optimus, and attempts to penetrate Nyridius mind with an eye-locking attack.  

The team, in response, utilizes every piece of tech and every mutation at their disposal.  Lim’Dul takes mental control of one zombie and forces him to elbow-drop his master.  Azkadelia destroys another by airing her grievances, which actually turns out to be a powerful psychic attack.  

The lich again proves to be the real threat when he re-assembles the destroyed skeletons, bringing them back into the fray.  Nyridius dishes out intense psychic damage by having his mask make a scary face, and Lim’Dul finishes the lich off with an electro-blast.  Little Rock and Optimus clean up the remaining undead with their beefy melee attacks.

After the danger has passed, Youric steps out onto his lawn to find that the party has once again covered his property in brains and body parts.  “My wife is gonna kill me,” he laments.  Although the party urges him to join them on their mission to the crater, Youric mentions that he’s forbidden to by “the old ball and chain.”  Little Rock offers to beat her unconscious again, but Youric declines.  After a quick break for scavenging (during which Lim’Dul finds a ceiling fan), the party makes its way toward the crater. 

Loss Aversion, Part 2

Horace is gone.  But the party struggles onward.  They travel farther and farther through the cave.  As they progress, the ambient temperature chills; before long, they can see their breath.  A partial tunnel collapse separates Azkadelia from the group.  Although their numbers are dwindling, their confidence remains high after a wave of alpha mutations gives them impressive temporary powers.  The tunnel flares out, and reveals a frozen, crystalline palace.  Clearly, their tunnel has led them to the ice cave on their map.  They are immediately confronted by the booming voice of an ancient warrior; “Who enters the cave of Youric?! Begone, vile trespassers!”  The team, however, calms the tensions, and informs Youric that they merely want to exit through his cave.  Youric drops his confrontational and Shakespearean tone, saying “Actually, uh… my wife’s been a bit testy lately… She’d be super-pissed if she saw me having some guys over.  Truth be told, I’ve been sleeping on the couch most nights.  Ever since I got her that big crystal, she’s been so quick to anger.”  The party resolves to power through Youric’s cave anyway, to which Youric says “I’m staying out of this one” and retires to his tool shed.

The party doesn’t make it far before they are separated by a slippery, icy slope.  Nyridius, Little Rock, and Optimus are attacked by mutated ice-cold lap dogs.  Optimus makes short work of them by busting out the big guns first – he uses his “life-leech explosion” mutation to crack open the dogs’ skulls and drink the sweet, sweet juices inside.  Nyridius and Little Rock make themselves feel like big, strong men by beating the hell out of the last remaining dog.  On the other end of the cave, Lim’Dul meets a large spider who tries to communicate with him.  He utilizes a miniature gecko to translate the spider’s speech, and convinces the spider to fetch Helga, Youric’s wife.

As Optimus crosses the ice cave’s living room to meet up with Lim’Dul, he finds a large, hollow podium.  After breaking it open, his suspicions are confirmed; it contains the ice crystal that Youric spoke of.  Furthermore, the crystal is giving off a field that makes everyone in the party except Lim’Dul incredibly short-tempered and somewhat violent toward each other.

When Helga enters the chamber, she sees Optimus covered in her dogs’ brains and smashing her display case.  SHE. IS. PISSED.  She attacks the group, and calls another pack of ice dogs to assist.  Her infuriated banshee shrieks deal psychic damage to the group, and her ranged ice beam attacks nearly freeze them in place.  

The men, however, gang up on her, and are successful in beating an old married woman unconscious.  

Youric enters the room and surveys the scene.  He thanks the group for not killing his wife, and begins nursing her back to health.  In addition, he realizes that the ice crystal was the cause of all the violence, yet he knows it cannot be destroyed.  Youric offers to keep the crystal safely contained within his cave.  He also offers the team a warning; he says that he’s seen very strange behavior displayed in the lands surrounding his cave, and he can’t help but wonder if the crystals are to blame for it all.

Azkadelia meets up with the party as they exit the ice cave, asking “What’d I miss?”

Loss Aversion, Part 1

“How did I get here?  Why am I doing this?”  These and other thoughts race through Azkadelia’s mind as she and her friends slide down the limb disposal hole.  Wet and gooey from innumerable chunks of excess flesh, the sluice takes the team farther and farther below ground.  The channels split, and Horace and Azkadelia are ferried away to parts unknown.  Finally, the pipe ends, and the party lands on solid ground.  They find themselves in a dark and quiet cave.  Off in the distance, they hear the flame cultist that was kicked into the hole first.  They hear him running and panting, but something catches up to him in the darkness; the sounds of his feet are cut short with a sudden crunch, followed by the sounds of cracking, ripping, and disemboweling. 

Nyridius, Lim’Dul, Optimus, and Little Rock survey their surrounds and see evidence that they’re not alone in the dark; gnawed bones indicate that something hungry lurks nearby.  They are approached by two multi-armed pit monsters.  The monsters don’t seem violent, but they are… handsy.  And chatty; they gab incessantly.  Lim’Dul and Nyridius get thoroughly groped and felt up as they try to walk past.  Unfortunately, Optimus trips and accidentally kicks one in the face.  This turns their interaction sour, and the monsters begin lashing out at the group.

Horace and Azkadelia, however, are in worse shape.  Horace finds himself surrounded by two “shadows,” which are people that aren’t properly synched with this dimension, and phase in and out of it.  Horace is grabbed by one, and slowly begins changing.  In an adjacent room, Azkadelia is tackled by a zombie, who begins gnawing on her.  Both are in mortal danger.

The main group rushes to assist them, but see that they may already be too late to help Horace.  Although he is still alive, he is slowly fading away from this dimension.  Everyone is badly hurt, and they begin scrambling to find an exit.  A spider ensnares Little Rock, but Nyridius crams a disruptor pike up its ass and blows it to pieces.  Near the exit, the party is confronted by a fearsome shadow standing on an archaic rune.  Although Lim’Dul believes the rune to be a swimming pool and tries to jump in, Horace sees an opportunity to save his friends.  Horace knows that he is permanently altered and will be unable to leave the cave, ever.  He engages the shadow in an attempt to buy his friends enough time to escape.  They all manage to make it out, leaving Horace behind.

 Over the next weeks, Horace finds that, in his new semi-corporeal form, he remains bound to the rune in the cave.  So there he remains, resigned to his fate.

A Goodwill Tour, Part 3

The party approaches The Collective, which Lim’Dul recalls is a place where robots and humans alike go for mechanical upgrades or repairs.  As a robot, Optimus skips the line and is graciously allowed to bring his squishies (humans and other biological creatures) with him.  They enter a peaceful, logical space that is not unlike a well-kept hospital.  Optimus is shown to the operating room where the robots will rebuild his memory banks.  He brings Nyridius and Lim’Dul with him, while Little Rock, Azkadelia, and Horace wait in the waiting room.

As the memory modulator is turned on, Optimus begins to see the memories that had been blocked:  Months ago, Optimus was a secret agent for The Collective, tasked with ensuring the security and stability of the local region.  Disguised as a human, Optimus infiltrated a group of flame cultists.  These cultists worshiped Nyridius (in his fiery form), and sought to bathe the whole world in a purifying fire that would empower them and obliterate their enemies.  Optimus located their secret base, and discovered their plans for how they’ll call forth this fire… but then he got high with some hippies and forgot it all.

Optimus was about to access the lost memories of the flame cultists’ plans and location when something happened – one of the robots in the operating room was actually a flame cultist in disguise, and he produced a fiery red crystal that had some strange effects.  Its presence nearly drove everyone present berserk… everyone except for Nyridius, who found its presence invigorating.  Robots throughout the collective were driven mad, and the party, separated into two rooms, was forced to engage them.

Although Little Rock, Azkadelia, and Horace had little trouble eliminating two powerful robots while being bombarded by mounted laser guns, the other group faced more challenges.  Two robots went into rock ‘em sock ‘em mode, pummeling Nyridius and Optimus, while the flame cultist utilized lighter fluid to blow flames at Lim’Dul. 

Once the other three came to their aid, however, the party had little trouble out-gunning their enemies.  In fact, the party was able to interrogate the flame cultist.  Through his half-crazy ramblings, they learned that the flame cultists’ headquarters lies far to the south.  After they got what they could out of him, they kicked him down the “extra limb disposal” hole.  However, they soon found themselves trapped; the mass hysteria incited by the flame cultist’s crystal blocked the only exit.  The party was faced with one option… jump into the hole themselves in the hopes of escaping The Collective.

A Goodwill Tour, Part 2

As the party approaches the still-smoking crater, Lim’Dul reflects on his happy memories of that place; enjoying the local kitkat factory… eating kitkats on the porch… and destroying the entire city in anger.  Although the crater is all that is left of the city, it is still inhabited.  Survivors and stragglers spend their days picking through the ruins and searching for remains of loved ones.  Glowing embers and piles rubble are all that remain, thanks to Lim’Dul’s temper.  With the party’s attention focused on the crater, they don’t notice as Horace and Windsor sneak away from the group. 

Standing at the edge of the crater, the party is met by a group of survivors.  They recognize Lim’Dul and greet him warmly. “Lim’Dul, you’re alive!  You must not have been here for the explosion.”  “Uhh, yeah!  I was out on a walk.” Replies Lim’Dul.  The survivors ask him if he knows anything about the explosion that rocked their socks, but Lim’Dul lies, stating that he has no idea what caused it.  Lim’Dul’s lies elicit some strange behavior out of another crater-dweller, though; sparks begin shooting out of his ears and it becomes clear that he is a robot disguising as a human.  In a panic, the robot calls on some robotic allies to help eliminate any witnesses.  The scavengers are quickly gunned down by the robots, but not before they share some parting words with Lim’Dul: “I’ll always remember you as an honest person, who never lied to us even a little bit!”

The party wastes no time in engaging the robot assassin crew.  Lim’Dul quickly obliterates one robot by blasting it with his electrobolt, and Nyridius finishes off another with some thorny projectiles.  Ironically, the beefier tanks of the party (Little Rock, Azkadelia, and Optimus), can’t seem to get the upper hand on their chosen targets.  Their task is complicated when a massive enemy joins the fray; a large, vicious-looking robotic feline the party dubs “Thunder Cat.”  Little Rock tries to throw a boulder at the cat, but it slips from his hand and nails Optimus right in the face.  Little Rock completes his trifecta of fail by whiffing a sure-shot with a prototype powerfist.  Despite these setbacks, the glass cannons of Nyridius and Lim’Dul save the day by peppering the thunder cat from a distance with ranged weapons, destroying it.

The party seizes on a still-conscious robot.  The robot notices that some of Optimus’ memory banks are corrupted, and encourages him to visit The Collective to have them repaired.  The party loots the area, finds some bizarre tech, and heads toward The Collective.

A Goodwill Tour, Part 1

Traveling with the Morganites, the party finds themselves ambushed by Horace and a small group of dildobots.  The team test out their new powers on the aggressors, exploring the extent of their abilities.  But the enemies don’t seem particularly interested in them; the dildobots attack the suitcases and trunks of the hippies, smashing them to pieces.  Inside the largest trunk they find Optimus Vine, a bizarre half-robot half-plant hybrid.  Horace calls for a cessation of hostilities and admits to the group that he was only sent to free Optimus from captivity.  Optimus shares that he doesn’t remember much, probably because he’s smoked too many home-grown herbal remedies.

Setting out on their own, the party is once again attacked.  Windsor, the pompous and self-important thorn in Gamma Land’s side, appears before the group and demands they give Optimus Vine to him.  Windsor makes it clear that Optimus “knows too much” and must be destroyed.  Although Optimus confides that he doesn’t remember a thing, Windsor insists.  Windsor reveals his backup – two tough, urban, thug-life bears.  “I’m a BEAR, bitch!” they announce.  “You don’t know NUTHIN about me!  You think I sit around, stealing picnic baskets and eating out of honey pots?  You’re WRONG… I’M FROM THE STREETS!”

The team engages the enemy.  Horace, Optimus, and Little Rock smash away at the tanks in the group while Azkadelia and Lim’Dul pick off the weaklings.  Embarrassingly for everyone, the weakest among them (Nyridius) chalks up the most kills.  Even with all of his lackeys killed off, Windsor is still dangerous; to give himself an edge, he shoots up with a needle-full of performance-enhancing barbiturates.  The team beats him down and restrains him.  At first, they try to talk sense into him, but to no avail.  Windsor rants and raves about how Optimus is the only one who can stop his plan, and he must be killed.  Windsor explains that the land needs to be cleansed with a purifying flame, and that he once knew a great warrior made of fire.  Nyridius, unrecognized, listens with curiosity. 

The party debates what to do with their new prisoner.  Optimus and Azkadelia vote to kill him, but Little Rock and Lim’Dul insist that they keep him as a prisoner.  The party concedes and keeps him tied up.  Searching for adventure, they make their way north to the giant crater that used to be Lim’Dul’s home.

The New Hotness

In the land of Gamma, things change.  Alliances, weather... DNA.  No one knows this better than Nyridius.  Several years after his adventures with Duke, Defendomax, and the others, he's a changed man.  He tired of the constant conflict, he renounced his violent ways and became a pacifist.  The fire inside him and outside him died down, mostly due to an unforeseen accident that mostly turned him into a tree.  For several months now, Nyridius has been living with the Morganites, a simple band of Amish-like hippies who renounce the use of all technology.

Traveling with Nyridius is Little Rock 9, a giant golem that was animated from several large boulders.  Nine, to be exact.  Little Rock doesn't remember much of his origins, and he frankly doesn't care.  Traveling with the relative weakling of Nyridius allows him to do some smashin' from time to time, and he sure does like smashin'.

Another traveler that jumped on the hippie bandwagon was Azkadelia, a cloaked woman who knows more and sees more than she lets on.  Trained as a thief and a con artist, Azkadelia is just as handy with a knife as she is your wallet.  Sensing that the hippies would prove to be easy marks, she put on the puppy dog eyes when their caravan rolled by, and they happily added her to the group.

The least physically imposing member of the group is Lim'Dul, a feeble-looking old man with an ornate walking stick.  For most of his life, Lim'Dul was a simple tradesman in a small ramshackle community.  He spent his days in total obscurity until the twilight of his years.  Several weeks ago, however, the small ramshackle community ran out of KitKat bars.  Then, he lost his temper.  The community was obliterated in an enormous lightning bolt.  All that was left was Lim'Dul and a smoking crater.  He's traveled with this group ever since, and seems remarkably well-balanced in spite of it all.

These adventurers traveled along a dusty path with the caravan of Morganites, searching for adventure, and searching for direction.

Conclusion

Gathered around the corpse of Grinner, the party realizes that they are at a crossroads.  With their quest complete, they flirt with the idea of giving up the adventuring lifestyle.  They each envision a life of peace, free from danger and possibly even “settled down” with a close companion.  However, that is not their path.  Nyridius and Defendomax announce that they are up for more adventures.  Duke chimes in with his love of ass-kicking.  Cuddlepunch expresses a desire to continue on with her friends, and she is joined by Khali.  Vagabot reluctantly agrees with a “Sure, whatever.”

So they travel on, wandering the lands of Gamma Terra, in search of wrongs to right and asses to kick!

Shadows of Gamma, Part 4

The party mentally prepares for the intense battle to come.  Realizing that their humanity may be in danger, they deliver their final instructions to each other should they turn into bros.  “Kill me,” says Duke.  “OK!” says Vagabot.  Defendomax wonders aloud if he CAN be turned into a bro, but Nyridius shudders at the thought of a bro-bot.  Sufficiently prepared, they make their way to the courtyard, and suit up for the final battle. 

The courtyard is a giant pit of bones, with Spook and the massive Muscle Milk tub in the center.  Spook addresses the group, saying, “Fools.  Did you not think I had anticipated your arrival?  Did you think I would expose Grinner’s only regeneration chamber?  No.  I knew you would follow me here.  Underneath this slab (he motions to the platform on which he stands) lies Grinner’s backup station.  How did you kill him last time, eh?  Crushing?  Hm.  Perhaps you will live long enough to see the world turn into my personal army of bros!”

From underneath the stone slab, heavy thuds shake the ground.  Spook is frightened by this, and he calls on an army of bros to attack the party.  However, the party woos the bros with accurate impressions and sick dubstep beats.  Unexpectedly, backup arrives for the party.  The allies made by the party in their travels arrive in small groups to assist in the battle.  Yetis, old versions of Defendomax, and the Paula Deen bot arrive to help destroy the bros.  Unfortunately, this shatters the party’s ruse; the bros shout, “Fuck it, let’s RAGE!” and split to engage the party and their allies.

Immediately, Cuddlepunch and Khali engage the first wave of bros.  The zom-bros assault them with various brands of cheap beer, including Icehouse, Natty Light, and Hamm’s.  Defendomax and Vagabot provide backup to the yetis while Duke and Nyridius push toward the center of the courtyard.  The earth-shaking strikes create a fissure in the stone slab, and the huge tub of Muscle Milk spills into Grinner’s cavern.  Although this precludes the possibility of anyone turning into a bro, the party collectively gulps at what it will mean for Grinner’s final version.  The crack opens to reveal a hulking, brutish “Final Grinner.“

In the background, the party’s allies valiantly attack the zom-bros, and losses are felt on both sides.  In the foreground, the party struggles to manage the swarm of bros, the psychic attacks from Spook, Spook’s elite guards, and the brutally violent Final Grinner.  After Grinner nearly cripples Nyridius with a savage hammer strike, Duke and Nyridius realize that they cannot hold the front lines alone.  They call out to their allies for assistance.  Vagabot stays behind to finish off the final bro, Defendomax and Cuddlepunch engage Spook, and Khali, Nyridius and Duke nervously strike at Grinner.  His high level attacks severely wound the party, but they fire every mutation and tech they have at him.  Once they run out of attacks that Grinner isn’t immune to, they resort to melee attacks that put them in dangerously close quarters. 

Finally, Nyridius vanquishes Grinner with a slash from a vibroblade.  Spook and his guards are defeated by the party, and the threat of zom-bros is eliminated.

Shadows of Gamma, Part 3

Escaping the throng of zombies behind them, the party heads north.  They look into the book they stole, and they find that it was filled with delightful Omega tech!  They equip themselves for the challenges ahead as they enter Deadtroit.  They quickly find that Deadtroit proper is an eerie place; block after block of open-air New Orleans-style cemeteries.  The city is unnaturally quiet.  They walk gingerly down the streets, careful to not disturb any of Deadtroit’s citizens.  They notice that there are two areas in the city that seem to be active – a mansion-like keep in the center of town, and a courtyard plaza.  Both show signs of activity and movement.  The party chooses to enter the keep first.

Once inside, the party discovers a shadowy altar room, where they are met by Spook.  Spook shares his ultimate goal – to create an army powerful enough to march across the land and seize it all for himself.  Spook confides that he first thought zombies would make a fine army, until he learned how to transform them into something infinitely more terrible… BROS!  He reveals his zom-bros; awful, rotting abominations with backwards visors, popped collars, and wielding six-packs of Natty Light.  The party is disgusted and taken aback. 

Taking the opportunity, Spook utilizes a strange piece of fear-based omega tech called the “Scary Scary Nightmare Helmet.”  It assaults the party with visions of their deepest fears.  When under its influence, Duke is surrounded by an army of Grinners.  Cuddlepunch feels ostracized and socially isolated.  Vagabot is challenged by the enemies that nearly killed her in the past.  Defendomax is usurped by a newer version and left with hideous creatures from the tower.  Khali sees his friends turn into enemies.  Nyridius is surrounded by horrible mutations that he can’t fly away from. 

 As the party fights with their nightmarish visions, Spook’s zom-bros advance.  They attack the adventurers with beer bongs and spout douchey one-liners.  As party members awaken, they shake each other back to their senses.  Cuddlepunch and Khali lead the attack against the bros, whose whey-protein laden frames resist much more damage than regular zombies.  Duke is incensed and horrified by the existence of the zom-bros, and he lashes out at them aggressively. 

In a back corner of the keep, a light “ding” is heard, not unlike that of an easy-bake oven.  The party’s attention is turned to a glass cylinder filled with murky ooze.  The containment cell opens, and out steps a freshly regenerated Grinner.  He announces his presence with a throaty “HEY BUG!!” and joins the skirmish.  Spook quietly escapes out the back entrance.  The party assesses their situation and divvies up their targets.  Duke, Khali, and Vagabot engage Grinner while Cuddlepunch and Nyridius clean up the zom-bros.  Defendomax scoots over to the regeneration station’s controls in an attempt to destroy it.  Grinner has become immune to every form of damage that has killed him in the past, and he proves to be a dangerous foe.  Khali is poisoned by Grinner’s foul belch, but Defendomax assists him with a timely healing dart.  Vagabot neutralizes Grinner by forming her nanobots into a giant fist and gripping him tightly.  Over the course of several turns, Vagabot’s tight grasp crushes Grinner into a tiny ball.  Defendomax succeeds in destroying the regeneration station, and the party celebrates their victory. 

However, as they look out the window, they see an ominous sight; in Deadtroit’s courtyard plaza, Spook is leading a small army of zom-bros, who are carrying an enormous tub of Muscle Milk.  The tub is being affixed with an atomizer – clearly, Spook intends to disperse the Muscle Milk into atmosphere, placing every living creature at risk of becoming a bro!  The party is horrified by the inhumanity of Spook’s plan, and they resolve to bring it to an end.

Shadows of Gamma, Part 2

Khali and Cuddlepunch have wandered the lands of Gamma for weeks, completing Khali’s various quests.  Mostly, they were repaying favors and honoring debts.  They spent a few days harvesting vegetables, and a few days rebuilding houses.  They even traveled past the former Dusttown, although it know resembled Venice with its perpetual swampy soil.  Windsor had made a nice base of operations for himself there, and Khali and Cuddlepunch assisted him in rebuilding.  However, one morning, from inside Dusttown, Cuddlepunch sees a small army of zombies on the horizon.  They weren’t coming to attack, but they seemed to be traveling past Dusttown.  They were carrying a large antenna array from the southwest to the northeast.  This unsettles Cuddlepunch, and she convinces Khali that they need to meet up with their friends in Deadtroit.  Khali and Cuddlepunch travel northeast across the wastes, and as just outside Deadtroit, they come upon a solitary church, surrounded by a well-stocked graveyard.

By all the luck, the rest of the adventurers were simultaneously approaching the same church, albeit from the south.  They see each other, and are pleased that they have reunited.  As they begin their investigation of the church, their heart drops when they hear Grinner scream “HEY BUG!!!”  Grinner has positioned himself on top of the church, from where he is able to engage an old engine that disturbs the graveyard.  As Khali and Cuddlepunch walk through the graveyard, the soil around them erupts with angry zombies!

Duke, Nyridius, and Vagabot move into the church and engage two elite Spook Troops, who they learn are soldiers in Spook’s new army.  Defendomax voluntarily stays outside the church, since recent mutations have left him far too smelly to be near anyone else.  The Spook Troops have swords, but Duke uses a third arm to simultaneously beat one to death with his stop sign and also a saxophone.  Nyridius attempts to fly to the roof, but fails miserably and falls on a church pew, setting in on fire. 

Cuddlepunch and Khali sprint to the back door of the church, slashing and blasting zombies as they go.  However, the zombies inevitably get back up, and the horde moves in on anything that moves.  As Cuddlepunch and Khali join the battle inside the church, Grinner descends from a spiral staircase to do the same.  Cuddlepunch uses her telekinesis to yank the gun out of his hand.  Even unarmed, Grinner is dangerous; he unleashes foul belches that blind the players with their acidity.  Further, he is now immune to objects that have killed previous incarnations of him.  The party slugs it out with him and the Spook Troops.  Vagabot restrains Grinner with her ranged grip, and the final blow is dealt when stinky Defendomax impales Grinner with a harpoon.  

However, the party still has a problem.  Zombies are busting down the doors and windows to the church, and they sound hungry.  Nyridius flies out of the church and buys time with a powerful missile attack, while the flightless members of the party retreat to the roof.  

They utilize a power cable as a zip-line, and put some distance between them and the zombie-ridden church.  As they complete their retreat, Vagabot reads a book that Duke snagged in the church.  It is the diary of a recent inhabitant of the church, and it reads:

“They’re outside.  I can hear them coming.  These aren’t the regular zombies… I know how to deal with those.  This is Deadtroit, after all.  No, these zombies are different.  I think Spook is changing them… altering them in some way.  These zombies have been turned in bros!  Zom-bros!”

Shadows of Gamma, Part 1

Once Vagabot defeated Ivan, the crowd of inbred country simpletons recognized her as their new leader.  She re-oriented them to give up their racist ways, and instructed them to accept all individuals (except zombies).  She also changed her title to "Grand Empress of Badassery" and turned all the hillbillies into her personal service unit of butlers and wait-staff.  Nyridius, Duke, and Defendomax also enjoyed the creature comforts of the compound.  Professor Cuddlepunch, however, was not with them; she had left long ago with Khali to wander the wastes and help fulfill Khali's commitments.  After several weeks of relaxing and resting, Nyridius mutates and begins hearing the inane thoughts of the hillbillies that surround him.  They sounded like a deafening cacophony of simple thoughts about nachos, belly buttons, and hot sisters.  He couldn't take constant noise.  So he prodded the team to leave and begin their trek to Deadtroit, far to the north.

Vagabot commands one of her servants to tell them how to get to Deadtroit.  The servant informs her that the overland route is blocked by a giant ooze-filled crater, but that there is a old sewer system that runs directly to Deadtroit.  He does warn the party, however, that there "be some gators in that there sewer."  The party decides to take its chances.  They organize into a single-file line based on max HP, and then run headlong into the sewer.

Immediately, the four-person party is faced with danger.  After navigating a bit of the maze-like sewer, they run into a resident of the sewer feeding a small flock of baby gators.  Nyridius attempts to be diplomatic, but the sewer resident attacks and instructs the gatorlings to eat the party.  Although they weren't very strong, Duke takes a series of bites and is significantly weakened.  He moves to the back of the line.

Farther into the sewers, they encounter another fishy sewer dweller, accompanied by a large bear-sized gator.  Even though they are outnumbered by the party, they put up a powerful fight.  Duke somehow becomes a magnet for the gator's biting attacks and is brought to the edge of consciousness.  When Defendomax moves into a pincer position to attack the gator from the rear, he is smacked silly by the gator's tail.  After receiving some major damage, the party defeats the enemies.  Up ahead, they see light creeping around the corner, telling them that the exit is near.  The party re-situates with Vagabot in the lead and heads out.

Vagabot turns a blind corner and comes face-to-face with the most massive sewer gator ever seen.  The incredible beast ambushes her and eats her whole.  Still alive, she finds herself inside the gator's stomach, slowly being digested.  Duke, Nyridius, and Defendomax spring into action and immediately unleash everything they've got on the gator matriarch.

Although they have become remarkably powerful in the course of their travels, they meet their match in the monstrous gator.  The massive jaws deal crippling damage, and Duke and Nyridius quickly receive serious injuries.  The gator also lashes out with its tail, and smacks the party around.  Inside the gator, Vagabot flails and swings wildly at any organ that looks important.

Outside, Duke and Nyridius take a knee for a momentary break while Defendomax takes the gator's attention.  This back-and-forth goes on for a while until the gator gets an upset stomach.  Vagabot significantly damages the gator's innards, and is consequently vomited out onto the ground.

Once Nyridius sees that Vagabot is freed, he lights up the gator with a powerful flare.  This turns out to be the killing blow for the massive gator.  The party members consider backtracking through the scary sewer, but instead decide to take a gator tooth souvenir and call it a day.  They find the exit, and step out of the sewer.

Furry Friends, Part 3

The party ventured forth from the Valley of Sorrow and in the direction of the compound of the Knights of Genetic Purity.  On the trail, the party realizes they are surrounded by a small army of inbred hillbilly soldiers.  They are taken captive.  With the exception of Vagabot, the party is bound and blindfolded.  Vagabot, who appears to be a perfect human, is merely guided along by the soldiers.

The party is taken to an arena-like coliseum inside the Knights' compound.  Most are tied up to poles and prepared for execution, while Vagabot is taken to a wooden stage.  On the stage is Ivan, Imperial Wizard of the Knights of Genetic Purity, and Vagabot's father.  He harps to the audience about the benefits of 100% baseline humans, and decries the party's impurity.  He presents Vagabot to the audience, and asks why she as a pure human would travel with such "genetic trash."  As the crowd boos, Ivan turns to see that Vagabot his actually his daughter.  Although he is taken aback, he carries on with the charade.  Vagabot, however, challenges Ivan; she calls him out on his hypocrisy, given that his daughter was born with a crab-claw.  Audible gasps can be heard from the crowd.  Ivan attempts to propagandize and hide the truth from the audience by bringing out an impostor daughter, but Vagabot reveals her identity as Ivan's true daughter.  The audience reels in surprise.  Trying to regain control over the situation, Ivan orders the execution of the captives and attacks Vagabot.

Meanwhile, the rest of the party struggles to free themselves from their shackles.  As they do so, they notice that another traveler, a male yeti named Khali, has been fit for execution as well.  As the executioners approach, all are able to free themselves, with the exception of Defendomax, who struggles vainly against the shackles.  The executioners fire repeatedly upon the party and dish out significant damage.  However, the party quickly regroups and takes the fight to them.  In the midst of battle, Khali dives forward and takes a shot intended for Professor Cuddlepunch.  Cuddlepunch, enamored with Khali and touched by the gesture, assists him in dispatching the armed foes.

On the stage, Vagabot battles her father.  His powerful swings take Vagabot to the edge of death, but Ivan is distracted when Duke rushes the stage.  Duke retaliates and places Ivan on the defensive.  Between the two of them, they are able to defeat the leader of the human supremacists.  Simultaneously, on the ground below, Defendomax and Nyridius mop up the human executioners.

Throughout the bizarre spectacle, the crowd's favor for the adventurers has risen and fallen.  The simple folk in the stands are impressed with epic tell-offs, but are displeased with the use of inhuman powers.  By the time Ivan is defeated, their favor rests with Vagabot, who quiets the crowd and announces that she has assumed Ivan's mantle.  The crowd roars with approval!  Vagabot has defeated her father, and resolved the "daddy issues" that led her to transform herself into a nanobot.

As the stands clear out and the audience disperses, the party gathers to plan their next move.  Defendomax asks Khali to join the party, but Khali declines.  He states that he has commitments to fulfill, and must complete his quest before he can join the party.  Professor Cuddlepunch, captivated by the only other yeti she's met outside the Valley of Sorrow, decides that she will accompany Khali on his quest.  This leaves Vagabot, Duke, Defendomax, and Nyridius to plan their next move.

Furry Friends, Part 2

As Nyridius slept, the party was able to scavenge three complete uniforms off of the Knights of Genetic Purity.  That left them in a tricky spot, seeing as there were five of them.  But Cuddlepunch wouldn't fit in one anyway, and Nyridius would probably just burn through his.  So Duke laid out the following strategy:  Duke, Defendomax, and Vagabot would pretend to be KGP, and Nyridius and Cuddlepunch would be their "hostages."  As they left, Og urged Cuddlepunch to save the yeti chieftain, who was being held hostage.

The party entered the Valley of Sorrow, only to find a tragic scene.  Yeti corpses littered the village, and most of their simple straw huts had been burned down.  Many had apparently fled.  Only the chieftain's hut was intact, and it was guarded by a 9-foot, muscle-bound, hard-headed, no-toothed, in-bred, hillbilly simpleton.  Duke confidently asked for permission to enter, but the brute balked at Duke's fancy-talk.  Only after Duke bathed his words in a warm, ignorant drawl did he gain the hillbilly's favor.  The hillbilly asked their names.  It took a couple of tries, but once the party fabricated names that indicated a sufficient level of down-home genetic purity, they were allowed entrance.

Inside, the party found that the Knights of Genetic Purity had turned the chieftain's ceremonial hut into an execution staging area.  Statues of yeti elders had been smashed, and gaping craters of radioactive acids covered the ground.  Three yetis, including the chieftain, were shackled to the wall.  Duke pretends to shackle Nyridius and Cuddlepunch in beside them.

When the humans begin executing they yetis with an elaborate electricity-producing machine, the party springs into action.  They immediately focus their attacks on the leader, and disable the machine in the process.  However, in a comedic back-and-forth, the adventurers and the Knights fight each other as they turn the machine on and off, on and off.  This process is continued by several critical failures, which cause Defendomax and a Knight to bump into the machine's levers.

Defendomax, filled with robot adrenaline, beats the snot out of two of the scouts, while Nyridius defeats the leader with his cannonball attack.  The second-in-command traps Vagabot in a bubble, but is taken aback and gasps loudly when he looks upon her face.  Vagabot frees herself and tries to immobilize the lieutenant in order to question him, but Duke inadvertently delivers a fatal blow to him with his radiation eyes.  In an attempt to stabilize him, Cuddlepunch uses a radiation barrier and Duke shoots him with a healing syringe.  The battle comes to a quick end as Vagabot holds a scout in a pool of acid and Nyridius, Cuddlepunch, and Duke gang up on a second.

Cuddlepunch frees the yeti chieftain, who expresses great thanks to Cuddlepunch.  The chieftain explains that the Knights of Genetic purity accused the yetis of "stealing Ivan's daughter," and although they yetis didn't understand the charges, the Knights began "purifying" the area.

Vagabot grills the lieutenant, who is in his final moments, for information about her past.  The lieutenant explains that the "Imperial Wizard" of the Knights of Genetic Purity is a man named Ivan, and that Vagabot is his daughter.  When she was born with a crab-claw, Ivan was ashamed of her "impurity."  Vagabot had always yearned to make her father proud, and when he sent her to the Archive to steal some tech, she used the phase shifter to become a nano-bot and reshape her appearance.  However, the transformation left her amnesiac, which is when she met Professor Cuddlepunch.  But apparently, word got back to Ivan that his daughter was seen with a yeti, so Ivan ordered his Knights to attack the Valley of Sorrow.

As the party prepares to leave, the yeti chieftain wishes them safe travels.  He tells Cuddlepunch that she is destined for great things, and is a much nicer yeti than Khali... who was kicked out of the Valley for being a serial rapist.

Furry Friends, Part 1

Professor Cuddlepunch is uneasy.  The party's encounter with the feral yetis back at the tower unsettled her, and she fears for her people.  Even though she was thrown out of the tribe by the yeti chieftan, the Valley of Sorrow still holds a warm place in her heart.  Yetis are a loving and peaceful people, and Cuddlepunch is reminded of the good times she had as a young yeti with her brother, Og.  Stirred to action, she urges the party toward the Valley of Sorrow.

The adventurers enter the mountain pass leading to the valley.  They begin to see new and strange vegetation; large evergreen trees that strike back in defense at the slightest hint of pain.  Cuddlepunch remembers playing with these trees as a youngster, and asks her companions to stick to the path.  They find an abandoned encampment, with a still-smoking fire pit and loose supplies littering the area.  While scavenging and surveying the area, gunshots ring out from the trail ahead of them.  Professor Cuddlepunch's brother, Og, runs toward the travelers, clearly in an attempt to escape his unseen pursuers.  Although he has been gravely wounded, Og chokes out "Cuddlepunch.... hide!"  Each member of the team finds a different hiding spot.   Nyridius curls up in the fetal position and pretends to be a campfire.  Og, out of breath and bleeding heavily, stands his ground.

Og's pursuers finally catch up.  They appear to be a regimented group of plain-talkin' racists.  Nyridius recognizes their symbols as those of the Knights of Genetic Purity, a supremacy group that does not tolerate anything less than 100% purebred humans.  As the Purists approach Og, the party springs into action.  They take the Purists by surprise, and Nyridius provides a particularly useful intimidation as he takes flight high above the battlefield.

Cuddlepunch throws a keg of gunpowder into the center of the Purists, and Nyridius ignites it, charring most of them and giving the adventurers and early upper hand.  Duke and Cuddlepunch take the lead and absorb most of the damage for the team, while Vagabot and Defendomax scrap the soliders from a distance.  They use the last of Vargas' future-tech, including a razor-grenade and a freeze ray.  Nyridius finishes off the last Purist with a cracked ray gun.  Unfortunately, the leaky core puts Nyridius to sleep, and he is unable to celebrate victory with his teammates.

While Nyridius enjoys a forced nap, Og tries to relay the situation to Cuddlepunch. "Bad men... take chieftan."  Cuddlepunch calms Og and asks him to speak clearly.  "Bad men came with guns.  They say we steal a daughter.  They capture all, hurt all.  Go, save chieftan!"  The party begins to scavenge the scene as Nyridius snores peacefully.

A Better Future, Part 2

Nervously, the team approaches Dusttown.  "Dusttown" is no longer an appropriate title for it, since the heavy rains have quickly turned the locale into a swampy bog.  Where once the travelers had to trudge over sand dunes, they now have to slog through ankle-deep rainwater and heavy vegetative growth.  When they reach the town, it appears empty.  They gingerly creep through town, wary of any possible ambush.  They make their way toward one of Ricardo's nondescript storage sheds.  Vargas produces a case of equipment that he brought back from the future to aid the party, and distributes the goods.  Each member of the party prepares themselves for imminent battle.

Duke attempts to quietly open the door to the shed, but fails spectacularly, causing a loud ruckus.  However, nothing stirs.  The shed is dark and motionless.  The party proceeds in.  A dim light grows in the center of the warehouse.  As it becomes brighter, it becomes apparent that this light is a generator humming to life.  The generator, unfortunately, is powering anti-gravity panels underneath the party's feet.  They begin to float helplessly a foot off the floor, and they are unable to propel themselves out of the anti-gravity field.  The party is helpless and immobile.

Before them, the growing light reveals Ricardo, several lieutenants (including Grinner), and a small army of thugs.

"Like moths to the flame, you couldn't help but walk right into your own destruction!" announces Ricardo-as-Reaper.  "HEY BUG!!" shouts Grinner, as he widens a toothy smile toward Duke.  The team struggles against  their restraints, but to no avail.  "You have come at a truly beautiful time.  I am about to cast off this useless body and take a new, more appropriate one.  This (he gestures toward a massive, hulking body in the corner) will make me the physical embodiment of Reaper.  My first act will be to destroy you, the last loose ends.  Although you haven't been the first group of travelers that I have manipulated into doing my bidding, you've certainly been the most useful."  The army of goons approaches the helpless adventurers menacingly.

In the distance, heavy footsteps approach the warehouse.  They reach the outer wall, and a familiar voice yells, "HEY YA'LL!  LOOK AT ALL THAT BUTTER!"  Paula Deen Bot crashes through the wall, shooting egg beaters in all directions.  Windsor is seen operating the Paula Deen Bot like a giant mech.  The army of thugs opens fire on Paula Deen.  Through the hail of gunfire, Paula Deen Bot manages to fire an egg beater at the generator, destroying it, and freeing the team from the anti-gravity field.  The battle is on!

Grinner and several techno-lieutenants rush into the battle while Spook, a dark and cloaked figure, begins transferring Ricardo's mind into the new Reaper body.  The party unleashes their most powerful attacks on the army of thugs, thinning them out rather quickly.  Vargas' future tech and their own frightening mutations allow them to dish out massive attacks with generous splash damage, which obliterate large swaths of enemies.  Grinner once again unleashes a foul and nauseating belch, which poisons Vagabot, Defendomax, and Nyridius.  Vargas, in a bid to protect his past self, throws up a force field that protects and isolates Duke.

Grinner is slightly different than the party last remembers; Nyridius killed him with platypus poison in their last encounter, but he now sports yellow-tinted flesh and an immunity to poison.  Nyridius again focuses on Grinner, and eventually kills him with a combination of an electric staff and his flame aura.  For the third time, Grinner is killed.

Meanwhile, Paula Deen Bot engages the new and improved Reaper.  Reaper's sweeping attacks hit everyone in an arc, but Paula Deen is able to beat Reaper back with her massive cast-iron skillet.  Spook also unleashes a psychic storm on the party, but some tech that Vagabot found a while back causes him to take feedback damage.  As the team grinds down the enemies, Spook sees that the tide has turned, and escapes out the back door.  The party gangs up on the formidable Reaper, and although they sustain significant damage, Nyridius gets the killing blow by shooting flames at Reaper and flexing his muscles for a little extra fire damage.

The timely assistance of Windsor and Vargas had made all the difference in the world; not a single adventurer was killed in the climactic battle.  Vargas breaths deeply.  The circumstances that created him no longer exist, and he realizes that he will no longer exist once his suit's charge is depleted.  He shares some parting words of wisdom with the party.  Then, as his suit's battery runs dry, Vargas snaps out of existence.  The timeline has changed, and he has never existed.

Triumphant, the party assesses their situation.  Although the Reaper betrayal was the only thing that united them at the beginning, they decided to continue their journey together.  Vargas' information has given them three options for their next move:

• The Valley of Sorrow, where Professor Cuddlepunch's yeti people are in trouble
• An unnamed compound to the east, which may hold clues to Vagabot's past
• Deadtroit, a land of danger and zombies

The adventurers ponder their next move.

A Better Future, Part 1

As the team exits the tower, they notice that a light, pleasant rain begins to fall, confirming that their actions were successful.  As they exit the tower, Vargas again appears before them.  Before he can say anything meaningful, the party and the elderly couple at the base of the tower are attacked by three mindless, charging yetis.  Although Professor Cuddlepunch recognizes them as members of her old tribe, they seem blinded by rage and completely feral.  The party engages them in the grass field next to the tower, which has become dotted with puddles thanks to the light rainfall.

Nyridius barrels forward and attacks one of the yetis, but they yeti panics when it receives fire damage and lashes out brutally at Nyridius.  The yeti's heavy club knocks Nyridius unconscious.  The elderly couple in the back attempts to help the group by firing simple electricity pistols at the yetis.  Unfortunately, any adventurer standing in the same puddle as a yeti gets shocked as well by the elderly couple's gunfire.

Vagabot comes to Nyridius' aid, and the party fights hard enough to knock some sense into the yetis.  The yetis shake off their blind terror, and Cuddlepunch asks them what has caused such behavior.  The yetis grunt out to her, "Big trouble in the Valley.  Bad man.  Come help.  Big trouble."  They wander off, leaving Cuddlepunch and the rest of the party concerned.

Vargas reappears before the party in a flash of light.  Duke begins to challenge Vargas, but Vargas shushes him quickly.  Vargas, with a heavy heart, begins his speech.  "I must admit, it has been good to see all of you again.  You've done much better than I did when I was at your level.  But you need to know that you're being played.  Everything that you've done hasn't been your idea, because you're being manipulated.  RICARDO IS REAPER.  The tasks that he's had you do have all been to solidify his position.  This rain that you've started? It won't ever stop, and it's going to turn Dusttown and the sand dunes into a swampy bog. You just did exactly what Reaper wanted you to."

"You could have told us that, like, any other time we saw you!" shouts Nyridius.

"Yes, and maybe I should have.  But when Reaper tricked ME into activating the antenna and flooding Dusttown, I remember how angry it made me.  It took away my naivete.  That sense of betrayal and that rage has fueled me, and I didn't want to rob you of it."

Confused, Defendomax interjects, "Wait, you activated the antenna before?"

"Yes."  Vargas opens his helmet to reveal a familiar face... that of Duke, but older, more haggard, more worn-down.  "Like I said, you've done much better than I did at your level.  When I and my friends were ambushed by Grinner and his thugs outside Vagabot's shack... not all of us made it.  Grinner killed Vagabot that day.  She died without ever knowing who she really was.  Then, we went to the Valley of Sorrow to help the yetis, but by the time we got back to Dusttown, Reaper was ready and waiting for us. We were way out-gunned.  That's where Professor Cuddlepunch was killed.  There wasn't much keeping the three of us together, so we split up.  Nyridius and Defendomax went back to the Valley of Sorrow to bury Cuddlepunch.  I went out East, where I wandered and tried to solve problems... but I couldn't accomplish anything by myself.  I just made most things worse.  It wasn't until I found the Vargas Armor several years later that I remembered where it all went wrong, and got up the nerve to come back and change it."

Vargas sighs heavily, and says, "You may have pictured yourself fighting Reaper much later, but we need to do this right now.  If you wait any longer, he'll be ready for you, and things will end up just like they did before.  There are many possible futures, and we never know to which our actions will lead.  I want to give you the chance for a better one.  So don't fuck this up."

"Come with us and help us." Defendomax implores.  "I will," says Vargas, "but I only have a charge of a few more hours in this armor.  This armor stretches me outside of time, like a rubber band.  Once it snaps back, I will snap back to my future timeline, which, if we do this right, will no longer exist.  Meaning that, when my charge runs out, I will no longer exist."

The party agrees to confront Reaper.  Along with Duke from the future, the adventurers travel off, and begin their return to Dusttown.

Gettin' Moist, Part 4

After a long trek, the team reaches the base of the tower.  Although the reader would recognize this as the Eiffel Tower, the party merely sees an immense metal tower.  Its heavy iron latticework has become more of a garden trellis, as heavy vines and incredible plant growth have enveloped a majority of its surface area.  An elderly couple approaches the party and greets them warmly.  The couple informs the group that tower is now a nature preserve where several exotic and fragile species have made their homes.  "We gonna make it rain up in here!" Duke announces.  The elderly woman firmly states that the machinery is not to be touched, and that the party should only admire the plant and animal specimens.  Duke responds with "Sure, whatever" and the party quickly passes them by.

The adventurers climb the steps and reach the middle level of the tower.  The heavy plant growth on the sides has blocked most incoming sunlight, but the party forges on with Nyridius providing illumination.  The party slowly moves through the maze.  As they do so, they find zoo-like information stations which inform them about the horrifying critters that inhabit the space, including the "Skull Fang," "Savannah Spider," and the "Night Terror."  The party doesn't see any of these, but they hear them.  At one point, Vagabot drops the moisture crystal down a deep pit, and Nyridius utilizes his hovering ability to retrieve it.  While in the pit, the voices he hears leave him unsettled.  Later, the party finds a nest and bedding of a large amount of unseen insects.  They decide to set fire to this nest, which agitates the colony.

Once they reach the top of the tower, the party finds a control panel surrounded by hundreds of eggs.  Vagabot moves in an attempts to activate the antenna controls.  As she does so, the insects become agitated. Defendomax accidentally breaks an egg, which places the bugs on high alert.  Nyridius attempts to soothe the critters, but fails critically, and screams at them at the top of his voice, which incites the colony to swarm the party.  Vagabot frantically engages the antenna while the party fights off angry insects.  Vagabot activates the antenna and sets the moisture crystal in place, completing the party's task.  Quickly, they depart the upper levels and begin their escape from the tower.  Chased by angry insects, the party retraces their steps through the dark maze only to come face-to-face with the "fragile species" mentioned earlier by the old woman.

In the ensuing battle, Defendomax and Nyridius are covered in a sticky black tar that slowly begins to change them.  The party decides that a hasty exit is their best course, and they run past the furious creatures on their way to the stairs.  Near the exit, the party is engaged by the "skull fang," which tosses them around like dolls.

As he sprints toward the exit, Defendomax collapses when the black ooze turns him into one of the beasts that caused the infection.  The skull fang attacks Cuddlepunch and Vagabot, and dishes out severe damage.  From behind, the party can hear hundreds of insects and pit monsters approaching.  "Run or fight?" asks Vagabot.  "Run like hell!" shouts Duke.  The party sprints past the skull fang (snatching up a transformed Defendomax as they go) and exits the tower.  

Gettin' Moist, Part 3

The party leaves the Archive, eager to install the moisture crystal they've found and complete Ricardo's task.  As they backtrack across the desert, Vagabot remembers a small wooden hut nestled at the base of the mountain range.  Vagabot diverts off the path in an attempt to regain her memories, and the party follows her.  They approach the hut.  In front of their eyes, Vargas teleports onto the scene.  He gruffly greets the party with a simple "Hey assholes."  He tells Vagabot that she's going to want to look under the table in the hut, and calmly takes a seat on a stone wall.

The party cautiously approaches the hut, but their attention is turned when a familiar, annoying voice yells "HEY BUG!" from behind.  Grinner, the loudmouthed thug that the party had left dead in the streets of Dusttown, approaches the group from behind.  "Didn't we kill you already?" shouts Defendomax.  Grinner opens his shirt and reveals a turtle-like shell on his torso.  The shell is a noticeable improvement, considering that Professor Cuddlepunch clawed Grinner's soft underbelly open the last time they met.  Grinner displays his hideous smile as he tells the party that he's come to kill them all, and he's brought help to do it.  Four heavily armed thugs and one immense, four-armed brute arrive to back up Grinner.  Duke, ready to defeat Grinner for a third time, says "Bring it."  Vargas sighs heavily, cracks his knuckles, and says "I'll take the big one."

The party engages Grinner's crew with Vargas as their wingman.  Nyridius starts the battle on a good note by cracking Grinner open with a handy plasma rifle.  Grinner and his thugs attack forcefully, roughing up Duke and Defendomax.  The party looks to Vargas for assistance, but he's got his hands full with the heavy lumbering brute.

Vargas fires upon the brute repeatedly, but the lumbering simpleton grabs him and tries to crush him in a bear-hug.  Meanwhile, Nyridius turns the tide by immolating one thug and finishing off Grinner with a bizarre platypus-like forearm stinger mutation.  Grinner, filled with the stinger's poison, dies.  Duke smiles and moves to assist Vargas with the brute, who is quickly defeated.  Seeing that the brute is no longer a threat, Vargas leaves the party mid-battle.  The rest of the thugs are eliminated by Cuddlepunch and Vagabot.

Without any further distractions, the group enters the hut.  They find a simple space with a cot, a table, and some cans of food.  Vagabot follows Vargas' instructions and looks under the table, finding a video recorder. She presses play, which begins a video diary that Vagabot recorded before she lost her memory.  In the video, Vagabot says "I'm breaking into the Archive tomorrow.  I know why he wants me to do it, but that's not my main goal.  I'm going to steal the phase shifter, and use it to get rid of this damn crab-claw!  Then, finally, I will be perfect."  They search the hut further, and find the phase shifter.  Clearly displayed on the unit reads a warning label: "Warning!  Use of phase shifter will turn user into a nano-bot!"

Feeling that Vagabot used to be a much different person, the party resumes their trek to the tower, with the goal of completing their mission.

Gettin' Moist, Part 2

Battle commences at the Archive facade.  The raider utilizes his new-found helmet to focus the droids on Duke, and the samurai robots begin to swarm him.  Meanwhile, Cuddlepunch and Defendomax flank the raider in an attempt to liberate the helmet from him.  Vagabot and Nyridius struggle to help Duke deal with the samurai robots.

Duke sustains heavy injuries from the samurai droids, but uses a new mutation of walrus tusk-sized vampire fangs to turn the tide.  Duke bites into the raider, regaining some health in the process.  Nyridius finishes the raider with his own odd mutation; causing the the raider to be racked with a fatal bout of hysterical laughter.  As a reward for the savage beating he received, Duke picks up the helmet and assumes control of the samurai warriors.

Gazing upon the sight of the massive Archive, Vagabot and Defendomax experience flashes of memory.  Defendomax remembers protecting Windsor, who was an employee of the Archive.  Vagabot remembers attacking the Archive, but under someone else's orders.

The party enters the Archive and wanders the halls.  There is not much left to see; a once grand and well-staffed museum is now a ransacked, pillaged shell.  The party finds many empty display cases, insinuating that several bands of raiders have taken everything of value and power.  Down another hallway, the party hears the voice of Windsor, who is clearly talking to himself.  "THIS is how I will rebuild my empire, and get revenge against Reaper!" he shouts.  The party confronts Windsor, who offers the party access to the moisture crystal they seek, in exchange for the samurai droids.  After some tense discussion, the party accepts Windsor's bargain.  Windsor opens the door to the next chamber.

Inside, the party is attacked by three previous versions of Defendomax - Mark I, II, and III.  They are also confronted by a giant Paula Deen robot, who shouts "HEY YA'LL!  BUTTER!"  and attacks the party with kitchen-based attacks.

Paula Deen dishes out intense damage to Cuddlepunch and Nyridius, and at one point toasts Cuddlepunch like a slice of bread.  But Cuddlepunch fights on, and takes the opportunity to silence Paula Deen 'bot with her telekinesis.  Although Defendomax is beaten by a previous version of himself, the party comes out victorious.  The Paula Deen robot is defeated, and the older, imperfect Defendomax robots are scraped.

Gettin' Moist, Part 1

The party travels across the wasteland, in search of the Archive.  Although some in the party have been there before, none remember it.  Vagabot's memory stirs as they travel a sandy path that she's been down before.  Their quiet journey is disturbed by sudden tremors in the land.  The party is troubled by these seismic rumbles, but they carry on.

As they approach a narrow valley, they spot a lanky insectoid traveler frozen in place.  The traveler instructs the group to slowly move forward, because something underneath the ground can feel their footsteps.  The party follows his instructions, only to get surrounded by two enormous molesharks that emerge from the ground.  The insectoid pulls a gun on the travelers and tells them that this is a stick-up; either they give him all of their omega tech, or they get eaten by his moleshark friends and he takes their stuff anyway.  The party tries to talk their way out of the situation, but to no avail.  Duke doesn't bother talking, and immediately attacks the robber.  The sharks dig into the party, and their bites deal incredible damage.  Duke and Defendomax kill the robber, but at the cost of Professor Cuddlepunch, who is eaten by the moleshark.  Despite their large, lumbering nature, the party has a difficult time hitting the molesharks with their weapons.  They slug it out with both massive beasts, but take heavy bites along the way.  The champ of the battle is Vagabot, who evades two crushing chomps and successfully swarms one of the molesharks, which freaks it the hell out.   Eventually, the party succeeds in re-burying the hulking foes.

Finally, the party arrives at the Archive.  They find its enormous facade punctured by a large hole.  They recognize this hole as the one caused by Vagabot in the security video.  From inside the Archive, they hear Windsor's voice.  Windsor is clearly talking to himself, delineating plans for rebuilding his robot empire.

As the group approaches, a scavenger appears from the building, suiting up in an oversized samurai outfit.  Behind him are four samurai droids, marching in unison.  He announces that he has taken the best of what was left in the Archive, and now he's going to test out his new robot samurai army on the party!